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Post by little wing on Oct 30, 2007 15:50:30 GMT -5
Babies can do that for ya, you know. They can help to solidify a bond. Just my 2 cents..... They also put a strain and pressure on the healthiest of relationships  What an oxymoron of a statement that was. First of all if a wee babe puts a strain and pressure on the 'healthiest of relationships', then I would have to question 'how healthy the relationship was to begin with'? See, that's what's wrong with sooo many couples these days, they don't know how to sacrifice for their kids. When you have a new baby, you had better be prepared to GIVE UP some things. It's no longer just about YOU. It's about that precious new life that you and God decided to bring into this world. All things revolve around the baby, not vice versa. |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 16:08:25 GMT -5
I didn't find anything oxymoronic about the statement. She's right. You even said it yourself, "All things revolve around the baby", so that's how it happens. Relationships take work, healthy and unhealthy alike. People can easily drift apart after the birth of a baby, and it happens just as much as couples whose bonds are solidified after a birth. A "wee babe" is very willful and a priority, nurturing the bonds of your relationship is the last thing on your list. This is pretty much what you were saying, so I don't understand your statement so much. It can happen to anybody.
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Post by Angel on Oct 30, 2007 16:09:06 GMT -5
They also put a strain and pressure on the healthiest of relationships What an oxymoron of a statement that was. First of all if a wee babe puts a strain and pressure on the 'healthiest of relationships', then I would have to question 'how healthy the relationship was to begin with'? See, that's what's wrong with sooo many couples these days, they don't know how to sacrifice for their kids. When you have a new baby, you had better be prepared to GIVE UP some things. It's no longer just about YOU. It's about that precious new life that you and God decided to bring into this world. All things revolve around the baby, not vice versa. It has nothing to do with not wanting to give things up and not have everything be about you. That's the focus in the already unhealthy relatioships before any child arrives. It has to do with two people who are now responsible for the life of another human being(s). Get into a long term serious relationship, get pregnant, have a baby, raise it, and then get back to me on that one. Theory goes out the window when a baby arrives. The only people who will say what you have said are those who have not been there done that. |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 16:14:05 GMT -5
You stated it much better than I, I couldn't find the words. But only people that have children could understand that.
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Post by little wing on Oct 30, 2007 16:20:11 GMT -5
I didn't find anything oxymoronic about the statement. She's right. You even said it yourself, "All things revolve around the baby", so that's how it happens. Relationships take work, healthy and unhealthy alike. People can easily drift apart after the birth of a baby, and it happens just as much as couples whose bonds are solidified after a birth. A "wee babe" is very willful and a priority, nurturing the bonds of your relationship is the last thing on your list. This is pretty much what you were saying, so I don't understand your statement so much. It can happen to anybody. "All things revolve around the baby" for as long as the baby is a baby. It's not going to be that way forever. The child will grow up and become more independent. But as long as it is a baby, then IT'S needs come first <<-------- this is the sacrificial part. "Relationships take work" <<----------I agree. And the best time to work on it is BEFORE the babe arrives. Work it out. Fight it out. Get rid of the 'illusive grass-is-greener-on-the-otherside' feelings towards other potential partners. In short, 'SUCK IT UP!' 'BITE THE BULLET!'. Your life has changed! You are a PARENT. You are called to be RESPONSIBLE. Learn how to love and forgive and the baby/children/family unit will all be winners. Well, I guess couples just need a LOT OF LOVE in their relationships to make it all work. And seeing how I am idealistic and set high standards, I would never find myself in a situation with a child where there was not a lot of love within my family unit. The mom needs constant support and reassurance after delivery and the best place to get that is from her man/husband. The baby will also be able to "feel" this love and will grow into a secure human being. IMHO.  |
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Post by little wing on Oct 30, 2007 16:22:41 GMT -5
You stated it much better than I, I couldn't find the words. But only people that have children could understand that. I totally disagree. Does a male obstetrician need to give birth in order to understand the delivery process? And how do you know if I have or haven't children? I have three and they are all very happy well-adjusted good kids. |
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Post by annethomas on Oct 30, 2007 16:22:42 GMT -5
Well, that is why we have decided not to have children. We realized that the only reason we wanted one is because of all the pressure of feeling like we "should", but once we put those "shoulds" aside we felt that we wanted to make a life for ourselves, not for children. Obviously it is wonderful that people want to have children so we don't die out like the Shakers, but it is just not for us.
I know that I don't have any kids, and I may not know what I am talking about, but I feel that the warm, fuzzy feeling that you are "supposed" to have when you have a baby and the romantic feelings of looking how you and your partner mixed don't always come.
I read an awful lot of narratives (I teach 7th grade) of students whose lives have been destroyed because of divorce and unhappy parents. I am sure that many of those parents started off with good intentions and a lot of love, but things change.
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Post by little wing on Oct 30, 2007 16:25:34 GMT -5
The only people who will say what you have said are those who have not been there done that. Or, who HAVE been there done that and did it RIGHT. |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 16:34:17 GMT -5
You stated it much better than I, I couldn't find the words. But only people that have children could understand that. I totally disagree. Does a male obstetrician need to give birth in order to understand the delivery process? And how do you know if I have or haven't children? I have three and they are all very happy well-adjusted good kids. Well I apologize for assuming that you didn't have children. But things aren't always that peachy. People get pregnant all the time unexpectedly (most of the time), and people that shouldn't have kids together do, all the time. It happens. Life is complicated, and conditions aren't always perfect to have a family. I doubt most couples work out their issues before settling down. |
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Post by Angel on Oct 30, 2007 16:36:16 GMT -5
The only people who will say what you have said are those who have not been there done that. Or, who HAVE been there done that and did it RIGHT.  I guess you are the one and only exception I have ever encountered. I have never met anyone who would not admit that raising children did not put some type of strain on their relationships. And most of them are healthy enduring relationships. I can only say that from observation of course as no one can really know what lies in the hearts and minds of others. But hey if you can say that raising your three wonderfully well adjusted children with your man/husband was NEVER the cause of any strain then kudos to you. You are truly the first perfect partner/parent to have ever lived.  |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 16:36:26 GMT -5
Well, that is why we have decided not to have children. We realized that the only reason we wanted one is because of all the pressure of feeling like we "should", but once we put those "shoulds" aside we felt that we wanted to make a life for ourselves, not for children. Obviously it is wonderful that people want to have children so we don't die out like the Shakers, but it is just not for us. I know that I don't have any kids, and I may not know what I am talking about, but I feel that the warm, fuzzy feeling that you are "supposed" to have when you have a baby and the romantic feelings of looking how you and your partner mixed don't always come. I read an awful lot of narratives (I teach 7th grade) of students whose lives have been destroyed because of divorce and unhappy parents. I am sure that many of those parents started off with good intentions and a lot of love, but things change. I respect that, good for you. |
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Post by little wing on Oct 30, 2007 16:44:20 GMT -5
But hey if you can say that raising your three wonderfully well adjusted children with your man/husband was NEVER the cause of any strain then kudos to you. You are truly the first perfect partner/parent to have ever lived.  seriously?? I'm sorry, but this made me laugh so hard. In my world, there are PLENTY of examples of wonderful, happy, adjusted children. And furthermore, if children are going to be BLAMED for the strain of an adult's relationship, then that is just plain SAD. They are not the problem. The ADULTS are to blame. Sad, just plain sad. |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 16:49:18 GMT -5
I would never blame my daughter for my husband's and my problems, never. And she is a very happy, lovely child.....we are just saying the addition of children can exasperate problems that are already there.
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Post by Angel on Oct 30, 2007 16:58:17 GMT -5
But hey if you can say that raising your three wonderfully well adjusted children with your man/husband was NEVER the cause of any strain then kudos to you. You are truly the first perfect partner/parent to have ever lived. seriously?? I'm sorry, but this made me laugh so hard. In my world, there are PLENTY of examples of wonderful, happy, adjusted children. And furthermore, if children are going to be BLAMED for the strain of an adult's relationship, then that is just plain SAD. They are not the problem. The ADULTS are to blame. Sad, just plain sad. It's not the child's fault, however, the raising of children does put strain and pressures on those raising them. And I will stand strong that anyone who says other otherwise has not raised a child or has taken it seriously enough for it to matter. Strain and pressure is not a bad thing. It's basically how one handles it that matters. If a relationship is healthy it will handle those stressful situations better than if it is not. Of course there are plenty of wonderful, happy, well-adjusted children and none of them come from perfect situations because there is no such thing. |
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Post by annethomas on Oct 30, 2007 17:21:39 GMT -5
Well, I will state again that I don't have any children so I am not speaking from experience but these are the situations that I feel would put a strain on my marriage.
1. If the child gets into drugs. I have seen many children put their parents through hell, and I am sure that Anthony was one of the them. He turned out fine I guess, but many don't.
2. If there are disabilities. I don't mean it to sound like it is the child's fault if it is disabled, but I feel that would be stressful. I have a friend that can't leave the house because the autistic child has meltdowns if things don't go in a set pattern. No, it's not his fault, but that would be stressful.
3. If the child wants to be involved in everything coming and going. I know that I would want my child to experience as much as possible, but I don't know how some of my friends do it when they are paying $3,000 just so their daughter can be on a cheerleading team. That would be stressful trying to balance child's happiness and bills.
I think that kids are great and parents are lucky to have them, but our desire to reproduce doesn't overpower our desire to be happy, just the two of us...and 4 dogs!
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Post by lovesdani on Oct 30, 2007 17:44:55 GMT -5
back to the topic!
the best gift a man can give his child is to love it's mother. married or not.
we all know AK is quite capable of showing/ singing/ shouting his love, but, that love hasn't been all over his face in quite a while now.
i think he has a lot of issues that need to be dealt w/ before he can truly commit to one woman. and, let's not forget his upbringing ( or lack of).
my 3 cents ( inflation)
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Post by she's the receiver on Oct 30, 2007 17:51:47 GMT -5
But hey if you can say that raising your three wonderfully well adjusted children with your man/husband was NEVER the cause of any strain then kudos to you. You are truly the first perfect partner/parent to have ever lived. seriously?? I'm sorry, but this made me laugh so hard. In my world, there are PLENTY of examples of wonderful, happy, adjusted children. And furthermore, if children are going to be BLAMED for the strain of an adult's relationship, then that is just plain SAD. They are not the problem. The ADULTS are to blame. Sad, just plain sad. i really dislike mothers judging each other, especially in such an obtuse, simplistic and patronising manner nobody here suggested children are to blame in anyway for relationship woes, and of course its the parents who have to take responsibility for their own relationship when its under pressure, because obviously they are the adults parents who genuinely do blame their children must be as rare as perfect parents and as for children gaining independence as they grow beyond babyhood; it doesnt simply stop when they can wipe their own bottom, the pressure continues, its just comes in various other guises and comparing the technical expertise of a male obstetrician to that of someone who isnt a parent is not the greatest of comparisons, if you give it any thought yes, i am a parent. but this is an old, and now off-topic thread |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 18:31:20 GMT -5
I think he needs someone new. Someone he can grow old with and be friends with. I know his little man makes Anthony happy, but I'd like to see a woman make him happy on the other end of life as well. Back to the topic, I agree with you here. It seems like his relationship problems are definately still there. I hope he can find happiness with someone, someday. |
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Oo.Summer.oO
Native Of This Place
''Life's a journey, not a destination.'' -Steven Tyler
Posts: 2,942
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Post by Oo.Summer.oO on Oct 30, 2007 18:42:58 GMT -5
I would like to think by now, he has, with heather. As much as that relationship seems odd on soo many levels, if they are truly in love, then I hope they stay together. I think Anthony needs to grow up when it comes to having a relationship, and stop playing games. He moans on about how much he wants a relationship that will last and work out, then he is careless when he does have someone he really likes, messes her around, and it goes all wrong, then he's sitting wondering why. |
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Post by vivianne on Oct 30, 2007 18:58:12 GMT -5
Old patterns die hard, my friend. I completely agree though.
The thing is if he's not happy and whole within himself, then that love can't happen. Not to say that he already isn't, it's just my two cents.
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