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Post by NobodyWeirdLikeMe on Sept 22, 2004 11:36:06 GMT -5
I wrote this today and i'm still ironing out the kinks so I don't know how it'll sound yet REMMEBER I can remember a year ago when i was just ians ex And I didn't know I can remeber When I first saw you And you played your bass And fucked up the blues You made me laugh like I've never laughed before Your smile gave me something to fight for Your band made me spin, made me dance, made me sing But your kiss, your kiss is the sweetist thing I can remember the day you first spoke to me you were playing the keybourd In no particular key I can remember having too much to drink And we both lay in a tent And we started to think You made me laugh like I've never laughed before Your smile gave me something to fight for Your band made me spin, made me dance, made me sing But your kiss, your kiss is the sweetist thing I can remember the way you held me And when i close my eyes your face is still what i see I'll always remember the way we kissed A moment in time Even though we were pissed But I want to forget now, I need to forget now, but I'll never forget. ARGH it sounds like some naff pop song Still its a nice enough poem.
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Post by Sunborn on Sept 29, 2004 2:53:17 GMT -5
you start off by making us believe that ian hurt you badly but in the end all we see is you and him sharing a precious moment. so we cant really make up our minds about this guy nor about your relationship with him. we dont need to know what you did when you were together, give us colours. give us feelings. what have you gained from this story? show us that. i dont think that´s all you remember about him. all this vivid images are linked to how you were feeling during those moments. try to give emphasis on that. good effort. now break loose!
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Post by NobodyWeirdLikeMe on Sept 29, 2004 10:29:45 GMT -5
hmmmm yeah i see what you mean
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